My Mom is making me move out by May 31st and I have no place to go. So I can either become a bum, or a corpse. Both stink and are frowned upon. The only difference is when I’m a corpse I’ll finally be at peace.
Doesn’t matter anymore anyway. I have no future. When I think about my future I see absolutely nothing. It’s hard to stay motivated about life when you have that to deal with.
Looking back at what I posted I can see why I deserve this. It’s all “I.” I guess that’s why suicide is considered selfish. But obviously I’m a selfish person.
And I guess in some way I deserve to feel like this. I mean, good things don’t happen to bad people, so I must not be a good person.
It’s annoying—watching everyone else have a friend or partner that cares about them. Watching them do or say ugly things to beautiful people. They do not deserve that companionship when people like me who are suffering feel alone.
I think I would give my car to my sister if I did kill myself. Or give it away to someone who needs it—redeem myself a little before my demise.
I also wonder who would be worth saying good bye to. Peoples inner thoughts have always been a mystery, so what if I said goodbye to someone who didn’t even give a shit about me.
In high school I always wondered who would notice if I killed myself, who would notice the empty chair.
Now that I’m out I wonder who would care enough to even notice I went MIA.
It’s funny, in a world with so much social media and access to so many people at once, I can manage to still feel alone.
It’s all down to a choice now really, stay in a physical hell or see what’s poppin in the afterlife.
I talked it out with someone, but I still just have no urge or reason to continue on.
I started cutting again for the first time today. This whole month is just too much.